Snitches get Stitches...and Other Relationship Advice

Nothing is safe from hyperbole. Every year something is proclaimed as the greatest ever. Some tragedy is the worst in history. Someone's beard is doper than mine (the most obvious hyperbole...my beard is THE standard for luxurious beards). See how easy it is?

But there's a subculture of bullshit that has grown from the hyperbolic age we live in. It's what's known in some parts as..."the Reach". I used to think that people had horrible critical thinking skills coupled with an inability to comprehend. I used to think that, and I still do, also. But that's too wordy. It also doesn't quite capture the phenomenon of taking a simple, straightforward statement and extrapolating all types of misery from it based on years of watching the infallible Dr. Phil. Two points here...one: a statement is just a statement...two: fuck Dr. Phil.

People be reaching everyday, b

Examples of this behavior are found everywhere. Even body language is examined ad nauseam by doctors with less credentials than Oprah's favorite unlicensed psycho...logist (and yes...Phil DOES actually have a doctorate in psychology). Then seemingly profound statements are made by the worlds least profound mother fuckers. On a personal level, every video i put out, some brilliant person inboxes me with "it's obvious you're unemployed, sitting on youtube trying to become famous". Those inbox messages get a huge laugh...at WPIX...where i work...in front of the camera...in the countries largest market. Either there's another definition for "obvious" and "unemployed"...or you're reaching, cat daddy.

The communication breakdown between men and women can also be attributed to "the Reach". When a woman says she wants to be independent, ask her to define it in HER terms. Don't just "reach" out there and say "man, these women want me to bow down. All these independent women are the reason for so many single parent homes". Mr. Fantastic couldn't reach that conclusion. Or how about men who say they prefer their privacy becoming "oh he doesn't want anyone to know about you". Hey there Stretch Armstrong, there is a difference between keeping irrelevant people out of your day to day lives and being deceitful.

But the most fertile grounds for the Reach Gawds are on social networks. Where assumptions reign and debates without evidence flourish. A woman has a picture up in a bathing suit? Attention whore. A man compliments a woman? Thirsty. You're feminist? Lesbian. A man defending feminism? Lesbian...wait.... Look, we don't know each other. I don't know your background and you know mine. Ask if you don't know. And if you ask me a leading question like "so you're trying to say..." I will ignore you with extreme prejudice. 

Stretch Armstrong ain't a hero on these here innawebs

In the age of hyperbole, everything is blown out of proportion. Especially our egos. No matter what the truth is...we KNOW better than you...about you. In a world with fewer and fewer personal relationships that extend beyond texting, tweeting, or inboxing...people are more and more confident in their ability to read people. And less and less accurate. People don't trust each other as a rule in 2012. It's sad too, because you can tear your rotator cuff with all of that reaching.  (Side note: if you know which joke was influenced by the late, great Mitch Hedberg...you're a comedy nerd). Peace.

Niggers, Crackers, and other Unsavory Types

It was a simple enough question. "Are white people offended by 'nigger', or embarrassed?". I specified that I did not want answers from non-white people. I mean...people struggle to think/speak for themselves....how the hell can they speak for anyone else? (put a pin in that thought...i'm coming back to it). So the poll came up with about 30 different answers ranging from "the word is just a word" to "I'm appalled when ANYONE of ANY race uses it".

Somewhere mixed in there was the question of Black people using the word and it being a double standard that white people can't. Dammit. I thought this had been addressed. But fuck it, let's address it again. (side note: if you're open enough to read a blog about "nigger" and the word "fuck" offends you...tell your captor to remove the gun from your head that's forcing you to read this...with your Ozzie and Harriet ass).

Let's be clear...all words are just words. Some words come with historical uses that make them less than positive. Others are viewed negatively, because they associate a behavior with a group, even when used by people not in that group ("faggot" is used to "accuse" a straight person of acting like a homosexual by some). I've even been told by a self-described feminist that using "pussy" to denote weak behavior is demeaning to the vagina (which I love...I'm sorry vagina...I never meant to hurt you). So, even though I personally believe words are just words, I'm aware that they impact people...sometimes profoundly.

How does nigger fit in this equation? Well...nigger (i'm not distinguishing between the various endings) has been used historically to refer negatively to people of color by white people. It's still used by some white people for the same reason. It's also used as a term of endearment in general conversation by black people (yes, i go back and forth between capitalizing Black/black...because I'm not convinced that it's supposed to be capitalized like Moroccan, Mexican, or Munk...). That's where the problem comes in. Some white people are outraged that we use it and they can't. "I mean...it's a horrible word...you don't hear us calling ourselves crackers...it's a double standard". Namaste, my melanin deficient homies.

I won't wax poetic about "taking the word back and owning it". Nor will I use the recently minted acronyms like Never Ignorant Getting Goals Accomplished. But let's be clear...you can't say it openly if you're not black. Why? The simple answer is...we don't know your intentions (and you might get your head cracked open). You may be a true believer in post-racialism (or the myth of...) but I don't know you. Your wife may be black...all of your friends (especially some of your best friends) but...there is an inherent distrust that comes with being a minority group. I can hear the cries of "oppressed how" coming from those who don't know what it's like even in 2012 to be viewed as a nigger, faggot, wetback, etc...shhhhh...sit your paternalistic ass down for a second and recognize that this isn't a debate that you should control. I asked white people how they felt for a reason...I honestly wanted to know, from them, how they felt when they heard the word. I, infamously, did a comedy rant about the use of "real nigga" that went semi viral (160k views between wshh/youtube). In the video I suggested that black people use real MAN in place of real nigga when referring to themselves. With that said, when I hear the word from a black person, it doesn't bother me. You know why? Because i KNOW their intent. For some that reeks of hypocrisy. For me, it reeks of reality.

Reality is...I've used the word "faggot" before. I've even used it in my standup. If a gay person tells me it offends them, I can accept that. It's offensive to them because, in their words, "it's been used as a form of hate speech for years". Some have been attacked physically while their attacker hurled the word as a form of salt to pour in the wound. I've also heard gay men refer to each other as "bitch". Point is, if I choose to continue using the word, I'm using it with the understanding that some people will be offended. There is no double standard. People are policing their communities. How many of us are running up on Asian people in Chinatown and telling them it's a double standard that they can refer to their whole area as Chinatown when  all of it's residents aren't Chinese? Exactly. There's an inherent paternalism that will be fought against whenever a privileged group attempts to dictate to a marginalized group.

One day I'd love to see people viewed as people. Today isn't that day. In the meantime, Black people have to be the ones to police themselves. Get out of your feelings. Oh...and stop pretending like cracker really hurts your feelings. As the very brilliant comedian, Louis CK, quipped "oh no....you're taking me back to a time where I owned people and property". Stop It B...you can't commit the crime AND choose your sentence. If you think it's a dirty word...don't use it. If it doesn't bother you...use it. If some black dude splits your head open...tell him he's being a hypocrite.