Snitches get Stitches...and Other Relationship Advice

Nothing is safe from hyperbole. Every year something is proclaimed as the greatest ever. Some tragedy is the worst in history. Someone's beard is doper than mine (the most obvious hyperbole...my beard is THE standard for luxurious beards). See how easy it is?

But there's a subculture of bullshit that has grown from the hyperbolic age we live in. It's what's known in some parts as..."the Reach". I used to think that people had horrible critical thinking skills coupled with an inability to comprehend. I used to think that, and I still do, also. But that's too wordy. It also doesn't quite capture the phenomenon of taking a simple, straightforward statement and extrapolating all types of misery from it based on years of watching the infallible Dr. Phil. Two points here...one: a statement is just a statement...two: fuck Dr. Phil.

People be reaching everyday, b

Examples of this behavior are found everywhere. Even body language is examined ad nauseam by doctors with less credentials than Oprah's favorite unlicensed psycho...logist (and yes...Phil DOES actually have a doctorate in psychology). Then seemingly profound statements are made by the worlds least profound mother fuckers. On a personal level, every video i put out, some brilliant person inboxes me with "it's obvious you're unemployed, sitting on youtube trying to become famous". Those inbox messages get a huge laugh...at WPIX...where i work...in front of the camera...in the countries largest market. Either there's another definition for "obvious" and "unemployed"...or you're reaching, cat daddy.

The communication breakdown between men and women can also be attributed to "the Reach". When a woman says she wants to be independent, ask her to define it in HER terms. Don't just "reach" out there and say "man, these women want me to bow down. All these independent women are the reason for so many single parent homes". Mr. Fantastic couldn't reach that conclusion. Or how about men who say they prefer their privacy becoming "oh he doesn't want anyone to know about you". Hey there Stretch Armstrong, there is a difference between keeping irrelevant people out of your day to day lives and being deceitful.

But the most fertile grounds for the Reach Gawds are on social networks. Where assumptions reign and debates without evidence flourish. A woman has a picture up in a bathing suit? Attention whore. A man compliments a woman? Thirsty. You're feminist? Lesbian. A man defending feminism? Lesbian...wait.... Look, we don't know each other. I don't know your background and you know mine. Ask if you don't know. And if you ask me a leading question like "so you're trying to say..." I will ignore you with extreme prejudice. 

Stretch Armstrong ain't a hero on these here innawebs

In the age of hyperbole, everything is blown out of proportion. Especially our egos. No matter what the truth is...we KNOW better than you...about you. In a world with fewer and fewer personal relationships that extend beyond texting, tweeting, or inboxing...people are more and more confident in their ability to read people. And less and less accurate. People don't trust each other as a rule in 2012. It's sad too, because you can tear your rotator cuff with all of that reaching.  (Side note: if you know which joke was influenced by the late, great Mitch Hedberg...you're a comedy nerd). Peace.

Niggers, Crackers, and other Unsavory Types

It was a simple enough question. "Are white people offended by 'nigger', or embarrassed?". I specified that I did not want answers from non-white people. I mean...people struggle to think/speak for themselves....how the hell can they speak for anyone else? (put a pin in that thought...i'm coming back to it). So the poll came up with about 30 different answers ranging from "the word is just a word" to "I'm appalled when ANYONE of ANY race uses it".

Somewhere mixed in there was the question of Black people using the word and it being a double standard that white people can't. Dammit. I thought this had been addressed. But fuck it, let's address it again. (side note: if you're open enough to read a blog about "nigger" and the word "fuck" offends you...tell your captor to remove the gun from your head that's forcing you to read this...with your Ozzie and Harriet ass).

Let's be clear...all words are just words. Some words come with historical uses that make them less than positive. Others are viewed negatively, because they associate a behavior with a group, even when used by people not in that group ("faggot" is used to "accuse" a straight person of acting like a homosexual by some). I've even been told by a self-described feminist that using "pussy" to denote weak behavior is demeaning to the vagina (which I love...I'm sorry vagina...I never meant to hurt you). So, even though I personally believe words are just words, I'm aware that they impact people...sometimes profoundly.

How does nigger fit in this equation? Well...nigger (i'm not distinguishing between the various endings) has been used historically to refer negatively to people of color by white people. It's still used by some white people for the same reason. It's also used as a term of endearment in general conversation by black people (yes, i go back and forth between capitalizing Black/black...because I'm not convinced that it's supposed to be capitalized like Moroccan, Mexican, or Munk...). That's where the problem comes in. Some white people are outraged that we use it and they can't. "I mean...it's a horrible word...you don't hear us calling ourselves crackers...it's a double standard". Namaste, my melanin deficient homies.

I won't wax poetic about "taking the word back and owning it". Nor will I use the recently minted acronyms like Never Ignorant Getting Goals Accomplished. But let's be clear...you can't say it openly if you're not black. Why? The simple answer is...we don't know your intentions (and you might get your head cracked open). You may be a true believer in post-racialism (or the myth of...) but I don't know you. Your wife may be black...all of your friends (especially some of your best friends) but...there is an inherent distrust that comes with being a minority group. I can hear the cries of "oppressed how" coming from those who don't know what it's like even in 2012 to be viewed as a nigger, faggot, wetback, etc...shhhhh...sit your paternalistic ass down for a second and recognize that this isn't a debate that you should control. I asked white people how they felt for a reason...I honestly wanted to know, from them, how they felt when they heard the word. I, infamously, did a comedy rant about the use of "real nigga" that went semi viral (160k views between wshh/youtube). In the video I suggested that black people use real MAN in place of real nigga when referring to themselves. With that said, when I hear the word from a black person, it doesn't bother me. You know why? Because i KNOW their intent. For some that reeks of hypocrisy. For me, it reeks of reality.

Reality is...I've used the word "faggot" before. I've even used it in my standup. If a gay person tells me it offends them, I can accept that. It's offensive to them because, in their words, "it's been used as a form of hate speech for years". Some have been attacked physically while their attacker hurled the word as a form of salt to pour in the wound. I've also heard gay men refer to each other as "bitch". Point is, if I choose to continue using the word, I'm using it with the understanding that some people will be offended. There is no double standard. People are policing their communities. How many of us are running up on Asian people in Chinatown and telling them it's a double standard that they can refer to their whole area as Chinatown when  all of it's residents aren't Chinese? Exactly. There's an inherent paternalism that will be fought against whenever a privileged group attempts to dictate to a marginalized group.

One day I'd love to see people viewed as people. Today isn't that day. In the meantime, Black people have to be the ones to police themselves. Get out of your feelings. Oh...and stop pretending like cracker really hurts your feelings. As the very brilliant comedian, Louis CK, quipped "oh no....you're taking me back to a time where I owned people and property". Stop It B...you can't commit the crime AND choose your sentence. If you think it's a dirty word...don't use it. If it doesn't bother you...use it. If some black dude splits your head open...tell him he's being a hypocrite.

Stop And Frisk? Stop And Think, First

Hi, my name is Dennis. You may know me as Felonious Munk, comedian and contributor to WPIX11 5 o'clock news. I'm pretty easy to vet. "Google me, baby". I'm on TV in the largest market in this country...but apparently I look like a criminal.

Yes, I have a full, flourishing, lumberjack beard. That's what you would call it if I was a white guy from the mountains. Uncle Jessie from the Dukes of Hazard had one, too. Never would anyone ask them if they were terrorists. I also wear my Yankees cap backwards. I've worn it that way for 20+ years (much to my mother's chagrin). There's a simple reason...I have a small cranium and based on size and shape, the hat fits better. Plus it's MY hat. I also wear jeans and graphic tees (often with a zip up hoodie) on the news. Oddly enough, people question that. As if by virtue of a suit and tie, you become more qualified.

I'm fully aware of society's rules. I recognize that some believe that in a professional setting you should be clean shaven. You should wear a suit. And if you're going to wear a hat, dammit, turn it forward! Most of those same people can complete this sentence: don't judge a book by its _ _ _ _ _. Dr. King hoped for a day when the content of a man's character trumped skin color. I have no such dreams that people will one day stop judging me by what I wear.

A few years ago, I unplugged. Decided to ignore society's bogus rules on acceptability. Stopped caring what the newest shoe was. Stopped attempting to appear like I was living the American Dream. Started living MY dream. Happiness ensued! Imagine that...by concerning myself with bettering my life, and not with what people would think, I actually became successful (inasmuch as success = happy). But I digress. My point? My character, work ethic, and visibility don't prevent me from being more likely to be stopped and frisked "randomly" by the NYPD. Because I'm not white.

The statistics show overwhelmingly, that more Black & Latino youth are stopped...by a staggering majority. Before you quote the crime statistics, consider this: I'm a citizen. I'm not a criminal. I pay my share of taxes that help pay the salaries of the NYPD. Many who support the stop and frisk policy don't consider themselves to be racist. They may not be...but can they please explain to me why I SHOULDN'T feel outrage at a policy that singles me out as more likely to be a criminal than they are?

I don't have a racial chip on my shoulder. But, if I DID...how could it not be justified? Again, all things being equal (and they are) I'm more likely to be stopped and frisked than my white co-workers. The Tea Party sprang up as an answer to the rights of law abiding citizens being infringed upon. You want people to stop calling you racist? Stand up for the rights of the young non-white men in NYC. (nah...I don't believe in unicorns either). Regardless of your intellectually dishonest choice of words to justify this policy, it remains at its core, racist. It is a civil rights violation. It's a hate-crime. I worked my ass off to be happy...just to be reminded that you fear me. Guess what...you're the real scary one. NYPD, protect and serve by the law...or accept that YOU created the distrust in the brown/black communities. But, I guess Bloomberg is too busy addressing super-sized sodas to worry about people's rights, huh? STOP IT B!

Privacy Act is Irrelevant

A lot of people are up in arms about the governments intrusions on their rights. Ok, maybe not a lot of people, but some people...who read papers and blogs and shit. The Patriot Act, the most recent NDAA, the proposed CISPA (look them up, this isn't google) have all blatantly infringed on our rights in the name of "safety". But the most sinister threat to your privacy is...your talkative ass!
you talk too much...listen to Pastor Gitmo

Yes you with your full disclosure for no reason self! Pictures posted on facebook with locations and people tagged (with or without their permission...tag me and i'll punch your face off). Tweets about everything you've done in your past. Your likes and dislikes. Who you're dating. Subtweets to your mistress. DM's soliciting sex (and including nudes). Then act shocked and amazed when those things you posted on the internet...freely...are shared with the world. They don't need a privacy act to tap our phones. Half of you don't make phone calls anyway. Tap those texts. All they need to do is wait for the person on the receiving end to get mad at you one day and start posting those screen caps.

Most of the time the people you are talking to online are complete strangers (stranger danger...i need a rape whistle for you weirdos). You know their screen name and you've seen some posted pictures...but you don't know them. And you're comfortable sharing your intimate secrets to strangers? As kids we were taught "never talk to strangers". Some of you didn't get that lesson. How many secrets do you need to see "exposed" before you realize this is a bad idea? They used to say "discretion is the better part of valor"...look up discretion. It's not about being sneaking, it's the ability to keep a secret, and not offend with speech. If you can't keep your own secrets, I know damn well you can't keep mine. Knowing that...I'm not telling you jack...jack.

Call me old fashioned. Call me sneaky. Call me Big Poppa (i love it when you call me that). But, you won't see me spending unnecessary time defending my actions to strangers. No drama my ass. You invite drama with the looseness of your lips (and STD's...think about it). Me? I'm just over here writing these hot vibrator jokes. Be easy...

http://youtube.com/fmunkmoc
http:.//facebook.com/feloniousmunkfans
COP A SHIRT OR SOMETHING!!!
http://stopitb.com

Perception is...perception

It's a commonly held belief that "perception is reality". But commonly held doesn't mean correct.(Side note: I'm listening to the Essential Thelonious Monk album while penning this prose...thought u should know). First let's define the two words.Perception is the act or faculty of apprehending by means of the senses or of the mind; cognition; understanding. Reality is the state of things as they actually exist, rather than as they may appear or might be imagined. Got it.Perception is how you see it. Reality is how it is.

Seems simple enough. So why would anyone want you to think otherwise. Well let's start with the god complex as it exists throughout the west. We are the ultimate authority on everything.We view the world through our lens and those who differ are savages at best and haters of freedom at worst. Yep...as much as we complain about the problems in this country, most of which are our fault, every other system is shit. We can't be wrong. And since the only infallible being in life, literature, imagination is God...yep...we must think we're the Creator. It's not just arrogantly thinking we're right. It's an attempt to control minds. Less than 40% of us have passports (117,014,020 as of January 2012) So60+% of us only know about other countries through hearsay. TV is hearsay. You weren't there. But let's go further, polls show that 84% of Americans (89% of Republicans) think America is the greatest country on earth. Go back and look at the passport stat again. Let's assume that everyone with a passport has traveled to every country in the world. That means half the people speaking have no direct knowledge. And yet...we fight wars to protect our way of life....or our perception of that way.

Another reason we like to continue this garbage way of thinking is...it's good for business. "Clothes make the man". Certain clothes give you the appearance of success. Certain cars. Now, to be clear, buying good quality clothes is cool. Paying for quality isn't the same as paying for a brand though. But the commercials will make you think your life is incomplete without the newest shoe, jeans, purse....Stop it B indeed. We're no longer in control of our own minds. What makes you a good person? I can assure you it's not"things"...and yet, that's the perception. Ladies, how many times have you walked past the plain guy and went for the guy with the nice “things”.Men, how many times have you ignored the plain woman because you were looking at the “things”. It’s perception. Men who have nice things “appear” to be successful. He might have bad credit and be living with his mother. She has a beautiful body but low self esteem. But the perception is reality. He’s successful and she’s beautiful….and the divorce rate is 50%

Look, people used to perceive the earth as flat. It wasn’t. But the perception that it was flat kept people from traveling beyond where they could see for fear of falling off the edge of the world. Same thing is going on today. The government and the media know that we don’t research beyond what we can perceive. No new trails blazed. Let’s stop Kony, fight terrorism, and fight the war on drugs…and ignore that Kony is US funded (as is the Ugandan government), we’re fighting Al-Qaeda in Afghanistan (while they use our weapons) but fighting side by side with Al-Qaeda in Libya, and the drugs come in through US ports (and have for years).Perception. Reality. Not the same. Believe what you will, but that doesn’t make it true.

Help Munk Raise His Sons

There are several movements out there regarding raising your children. My man Brick James' movement immediately comes to mind. The Bearded Brother suggests (emphatically) that you should "father your sons". Yep. You should. It definitely takes a man to teach a boy how to become a man. But what of the boys who have no fathers? Who will father our lost sons?

Where is Mufasa when you need him?

I volunteer! They say it takes a village to raise a child. I'm a villager. Some of my sons have reached the legal age of maturity and never got "snatched up by their pops"...I'm snatching em up. If you reached adulthood as a male and you still believe your manhood is in anyway attached to your penis....you need a father. If you believe that what you wear/drive/drink is in any way relevant to your manhood...you need a father. If you're looking for chaste women while putting your condomless baby maker in some random chick you met at the club last night....let me raise you my sons!

Don't fight me on this one my sons. I know if feels "beneath you" to approach another man for advice on being a man...but the first thing you need to accept is...you're not yet a man. Let's take the previous paragraph's points in order.

Somebody needs to whip my sons into shape...probably not this guy tho

If you brag on your dick...whether in public or in private (whether true or false...yeah dudes are still lying on their dicks) you're not a man. As a man I'm not concerned with who you sleep with. So the only reason you would tell me is...?!?! Yeah, serves no point. Unless I'm asking a friend if he slept with so and so because I'm interested in her, there's no reason whatsoever for you to discuss the previous resting places of your semen dispenser. Plus, bragging on your conquests is a sign that you're not secure and you're seeking my approval...let me raise you my sons!

Now, I know that money is a necessity. Food clothing and shelter require money. And there is definitely nothing wrong with liking nice things. I enjoy nice locations, with nice views, while wearing quality fabrics, and sipping something that quenches my thirst. But....without those things, MY value isn't diminished. Handling your obligations before splurging makes you a man. Telling me about the bottles you popped, or how man pairs of sneakers you own means nothing if you're still going to court for back child support and your cell phone goes off every other month. You could be the freshest dude in the club...but if you're not paying your bills....yeah...come to me my sons...let me learn you something!

The last point was placed intentionally because most people remember the last thing they read. How we view/treat women is amazing to me. Amazing because most of us KNOW who our mothers are. How did we come up with these rules for dating that basically make us blameless for the success/failure of a relationship and placing the burden solely on the woman? Guys have amazing requirements. She needs to have a low body count (for the uninitiated that means she hasn't fucked much prior to meeting you), can't smoke, go to the club, flirt online...you mother fuckers are looking for a 16 year old. Look, I have no idea what it's like to be a woman. I'm not trying to think like a woman. But I'm also not asking a woman to ignore my past while I hold her accountable for every bad decision she made. I'm looking for someone that makes my day easier. Someone supportive who respects my goals and desires....someone I can build with. Her past may have prepared her to be that person...just like the lessons I learned in MY past made me the man I am today. If you are looking for the virgin Mary, shouldn't you be Joseph? My sons...don't be a grown ass kid. Man up time is now. Hate me for being honest..but I know...deep down inside you hate yourself more.

#HelpMunkFatherHisSons

P.S. I'm cool if you ignore this advice...your girl didn't....

Easter Sunday!!!! and it's ALL Jesus' fault!

It's Easter Sunday. For those who celebrate Easter, I hope you had a wonderful day. For those who don't...I hope you had a wonderful day. Pretty simple concept. Whatever you do...enjoy it.

Is it this?...............................Or this? (does it matter?)

Of course, this day like all other Christian holidays, was filled with the type of intolerance that leads to...hatred. "Do you know the history of Easter?"..."You must be an idiot if you think rabbits lay chocolate eggs"..."Jesus doesn't care about your dress"...so? Tolerance doesn't mean agreement. It's always a mistake to assume that people that don't live the way you live must not know what you know. "If you knew better, you'd do better"...wrong. Just because some bullshit rhymes doesn't make it accurate. We all know the speed limit, yet most people still speed. It's not a lack of knowledge. In life, people make choices. People make decisions. A LOT of things people do, are not things I would do. But...it doesn't change my life. Jokes are jokes. But disrespecting another person's beliefs is not only unnecessary, but also demeans YOU. If your way of life is superior, then it should improve you as a person, no? If their faith doesn't infringe on YOURS...why bother? You create animosity over something as trivial as what they did with their Sunday.

How would Abraham feel about how his kids are acting?

Doesn't really matter. People aren't interested in working together. Fuck getting along. Let's keep this segregated thinking going. If you were born in a Muslim nation...distrust all other religions. I can see how that has helped over the centuries. Christians/Jews...continue your fear campaign against Muslims...that's really kept the entire world safe! Atheists/Agnostics...don't ever let an opportunity to denounce organized religion. This is what we were created to do...FIGHT!!! This is what Christians believe Jesus rose again for! wait...

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